So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
