no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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