just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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