How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
