She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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