The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
