Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
