Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
