I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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