i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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