Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
