She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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