If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
