Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
