I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we're making bets on your personal life
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
