Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
