apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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