this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
