This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
