you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm just crazy horny about you
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
