I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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