TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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