i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
