Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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