update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
