Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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