hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
