Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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