the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is