I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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