why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
