defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
