he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
