he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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