that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
