Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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