apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
