Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
