The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
