So drunk, too bad you don't want this
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
