I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
