That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
