Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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