I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have already put on my inside pants.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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