apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
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Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
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the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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