when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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