yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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