I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
