I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
