you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
