stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
