i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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