so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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