I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
