when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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