Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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