dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Your penis caused this!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
